Baby #2

I havent written in quite awhile. Of course,  life is busy with a 4 year old. And now,  I find myself going through the process again. I am 7 weeks pregnant. It was a shock. And of course,  with my luck,  the same set of circumstances as my last pregnancy apply to this. I was told to have an abortion. I refused. This time im not as upset as last. Because I know all will work out. But its scary. But its exciting too. Ive already picked out names. Its early and anything can happen,  but I wont have this pregnancy be depressing like the last one. 
I think I will try to start writing more. Its good therapy and now more than ever,  I need it.

Silence is Complicity

"Silence becomes cowardice when occasion demands speaking out the whole truth and acting accordingly" -Mahatma GandhiI have seen a lot of news articles of the Larry Nassar trial and heard the testimony and also the fact that many people knew what he was doing to these girls and yet they stayed quiet and told no one. Its sickening and disgusting. And its not just this case. In my opinion, in  the majority of sex abuse cases regarding children,  someone either knows or has a "feeling" that the child is being abused. And yet more often than not,  no one speaks up. They turn the other cheek. Maybe out of fear of retribution, maybe they think they might be wrong and wrongly accuse someone, or maybe they just don't want to be involved. Either way, if you suspect a child is being abused and there are signs or credible evidence and you don't make any effort to help that child,  then you are complicit in sexual abuse and you should be charged just like the abuser. N…

A New Begining

2018 is 3 hours away. While many will be spending it at parties or with their significant others, I'll be spending it like I always have: at home. It's lonely, to be honest. I really wish I had the happiness that others have. The love, the content. It's always evaded me. But this year I'm going to try to go about things differently. I made alot of choices in 2017 that ultimately resulted in nothing but bad. I changed jobs alot. Partly because I thought it would be a better opportunity but it turned out different. And partly because of the lack of childcare I had for my daughter. I ended up closing out October with an evcition. Something I thought I would never have. I single-handedly put a roof over my mother's head for 6 years, 3 of them while also being a single parent with no help from my daughters father. In exchange for me providing housing, my mother would watch my daughter while i worked. But it soon became evident that instead of helping my daughter and tea…

My Father's 100th Birthday

My Father was born on September 12, 1917. He fought in World War 2 in the Navy. He did many things after that. I learned from my mother that he was a paramedic for awhile and he eventually started his own business. His company did engraving. Mainly engraving tombstones. He retired and bought a house in Florida. His first wife died and he spent awhile single. He met my mother while she was in Florida. She decided to keep in touch with him when she came back up to Maryland. As she tells me, one day they were talking on  the phone and he said, "Come back down to Florida and marry me". And she did. Not immediately, but she did. He was 36 years older than her. He was 69 when I was born. My mom suffered at least 4 miscarriages I believe and the death of my sister who was born in 1982 just one day after she was born. After her death and all the miscarriages, they had me. Then two years later, my brother. My father had heart problems due to his age. He died on Jan 4, 1991. I was 4. …

Never Again

What do you do when your mind won't sleep?
When the thoughts race in your mind like butterflies in fields
When all you think about are your faults
The time you wish you could get back
The hurt in your heart stinging with unimaginable pain
The love that was lost
The love that got away
The false love that prevented both
My mind races from one extreme to another
Paralyzed with fear and overcome with grief
Over thinking what you always took for granted
I drained my heart of love for you
The love that you were supposed to cherish
Instead you ripped it apart and disregarded it
Now I'm left to pick up the pieces
Pieces of my heart that I wonder will ever mend
Pieces of my mind that now doubts love
You moved on because truth be told you already found another
It made it that much worse
The doubt, fear and anger relived over and over
But I will be fine
I always pick my pieces up
I'm good at puzzles
They always fit back together
I am stronger than the false love you have
I am wo…

Finding Healing and Refuge in the Catholic Church

*I want to say first of all that this post is not meant to take away or diminish those who have suffered abuse by members of the Catholic Church or any other church. *In recent weeks here in Baltimore and around the country, the Netflix series The Keepers has been making the news in regards to the sex abuse scandal within the Catholic Church. It's a well known fact that a lot of people were abused by clergy within the church for years and that the clergy and staff in higher positions covered it up. It is shameful and should be dealt with. However, some of the media attention does not come from people who truly care about those affected. It comes from those who have so much hatred towards the Church that they do not care about reporting facts accurately. A lot of clergy have been falsely accused. And that also needs to stop immediately. Abuse doesn't only happen in the Catholic  Church. It happens everywhere. In every faith, in every culture. It is not confined to any one place…

3 Years

I havent posted in my blog since November of last year. Everytime I try to write, life gets in the way or I am just too tired to stay up and write. Next month on June 11th, my daughter will be 3. It's been a long and hard 3 years. Every time things look up, something happens. And right now things are scary. Even when I get good news, I'm cautious. The phrase "being a single mother is hard" is an absolute understatement. It's hard, exhausting, challenging, scary, lonely. But it is also rewarding, loving, awesome and fulfilling.  I made a promise to myself that this year would be our year. And even though we've had some major setbacks, I still believe it is. Things could be alot worse. I pray everyday. And one of the things that have taken a hit the most is my faith. But day by day it gets stronger and looking at my daughter I know I can't give up. I can't give up on myself and I definitely can't give up on God. Especially when He hasn't given u…