Saturday, August 4, 2018

Baby #2

I havent written in quite awhile. Of course,  life is busy with a 4 year old. And now,  I find myself going through the process again. I am 7 weeks pregnant. It was a shock. And of course,  with my luck,  the same set of circumstances as my last pregnancy apply to this. I was told to have an abortion. I refused. This time im not as upset as last. Because I know all will work out. But its scary. But its exciting too. Ive already picked out names. Its early and anything can happen,  but I wont have this pregnancy be depressing like the last one. 

I think I will try to start writing more. Its good therapy and now more than ever,  I need it. 

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Silence is Complicity

"Silence becomes cowardice when occasion demands speaking out the whole truth and acting accordingly"

-Mahatma Gandhi

I have seen a lot of news articles of the Larry Nassar trial and heard the testimony and also the fact that many people knew what he was doing to these girls and yet they stayed quiet and told no one. Its sickening and disgusting.

And its not just this case. In my opinion, in  the majority of sex abuse cases regarding children,  someone either knows or has a "feeling" that the child is being abused. And yet more often than not,  no one speaks up. They turn the other cheek. Maybe out of fear of retribution, maybe they think they might be wrong and wrongly accuse someone, or maybe they just don't want to be involved. Either way, if you suspect a child is being abused and there are signs or credible evidence and you don't make any effort to help that child,  then you are complicit in sexual abuse and you should be charged just like the abuser. Now that might seem harsh but keep in mind the damage and hell that a child is put through from being sexually abused. Even after the abuse ends physically,  it never goes away mentally. The damage is done for the rest of their life.

And I speak from experience on this. When i was being sexually abused,  there were multiple signs that family, friends of my family and teachers saw. My grades went from straight A's to failing. I went from perfect attendance to not wanting to go to school. And the main sign: I started being afraid of men. I was 7 when it began and no one ever stepped in. Never. I was 9 when it ended and after he was out of my family's life and ONLY after,  did family and friends start coming forward with their suspicions . I felt and still feel betrayed to this day. It could have been stopped. But no one said anything.

That's why I am so passionate about this subject. Children are the most vulnerable in our society and it's our job to protect them from harm. And when we stay silent and look the other way, the consequences are catastrophic. Doing the right thing is a lot easier than the aftermath of doing nothing at all.

Sunday, December 31, 2017

A New Begining

2018 is 3 hours away. While many will be spending it at parties or with their significant others, I'll be spending it like I always have: at home. It's lonely, to be honest. I really wish I had the happiness that others have. The love, the content. It's always evaded me. But this year I'm going to try to go about things differently.

I made alot of choices in 2017 that ultimately resulted in nothing but bad. I changed jobs alot. Partly because I thought it would be a better opportunity but it turned out different. And partly because of the lack of childcare I had for my daughter. I ended up closing out October with an evcition. Something I thought I would never have. I single-handedly put a roof over my mother's head for 6 years, 3 of them while also being a single parent with no help from my daughters father. In exchange for me providing housing, my mother would watch my daughter while i worked. But it soon became evident that instead of helping my daughter and teaching her while I worked, my mother would just lay down and sleep, leaving my daughter to potentially get into things that could harm her. My mother has never had the drive or determination to make her life better. She gave up a long time ago. And since I am the oldest child, I was left with the burden of taking care of her. When you have a mentally ill mother with health issues , there's only so much you can do before it gets to be too much. I made the hard decision of asking family to take us in. So here we are.

In 2018 I know I'm going to have to make some tough decisions. And one will be ultimately either leaving my mother with family or putting her in a nursing home. I can't take care of someone who makes my situation even harder and who literally calls me a bad mother for the position I'm in. I will have to get my daughter into a daycare and find a job closer to baltimore. I will have to learn how to drive and get my liscense. I don't know how I'm going to do it all on my own but I have to.

This will be the year my daughter and I will have our very own place. No more staying with people or renting rooms. I know it's possible because I know someone who had twins who was in my same position until they were almost 7. It's hard. But it can be done. And this is our year. This is the year where I put all of my plans and goals into action. 2017 was a year of lessons and learning. And now 2018 will be a product of what I learned. And who knows? Mabey I'll find love. True love in the process. I just gotta keep going. Keep pushing. My child depends on me. And I can't let her down. I didn't get this far for nothing.

I know alot of people who have had a horrible year. I pray for them and seriously hope 2018 is more kind and forgiving to everyone. Happy New Year.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

My Father's 100th Birthday

My Father was born on September 12, 1917. He fought in World War 2 in the Navy. He did many things after that. I learned from my mother that he was a paramedic for awhile and he eventually started his own business. His company did engraving. Mainly engraving tombstones. He retired and bought a house in Florida. His first wife died and he spent awhile single. He met my mother while she was in Florida. She decided to keep in touch with him when she came back up to Maryland. As she tells me, one day they were talking on  the phone and he said, "Come back down to Florida and marry me". And she did. Not immediately, but she did. He was 36 years older than her. He was 69 when I was born. My mom suffered at least 4 miscarriages I believe and the death of my sister who was born in 1982 just one day after she was born.

After her death and all the miscarriages, they had me. Then two years later, my brother. My father had heart problems due to his age. He died on Jan 4, 1991. I was 4. All of what I know of him is from everyone who knew him. I know I get my love of countries and cultures from him. I have dark hair which are his genes. He loved to tell jokes and stories from his time in the Navy. He also could speak a little bit of French.

I can only think about what life would have been like had he lived longer. I've only met one other person my age who had a father as old as mine. From what a family member told me awhile back, my father loved us. And he would have done anything for us. And if he was alive, his granddaughter would love him. My daughter saw some pictures of him and asked who he was. I said, "That's pop pop, mommys daddy". Of course she doesn't understand yet but one day when shes older I'll get to sit her down and tell her about him. He lives every single day in myself and my brother.

Happy 100th birthday, Dad. We miss you and love you.

Friday, August 18, 2017

Never Again

What do you do when your mind won't sleep?
When the thoughts race in your mind like butterflies in fields
When all you think about are your faults
The time you wish you could get back
The hurt in your heart stinging with unimaginable pain
The love that was lost
The love that got away
The false love that prevented both
My mind races from one extreme to another
Paralyzed with fear and overcome with grief
Over thinking what you always took for granted
I drained my heart of love for you
The love that you were supposed to cherish
Instead you ripped it apart and disregarded it
Now I'm left to pick up the pieces
Pieces of my heart that I wonder will ever mend
Pieces of my mind that now doubts love
You moved on because truth be told you already found another
It made it that much worse
The doubt, fear and anger relived over and over
But I will be fine
I always pick my pieces up
I'm good at puzzles
They always fit back together
I am stronger than the false love you have
I am worthy of all you refused to give
My pieces are perfect for the soul who can understand true beauty and love
Because what you refused to see in me, another will
My flaws do not define me
You can no longer break me down
My heart will be whole once again
My soul will be happy once more
It will take time
But I will move on
And you will be a distant memory
A memory that I learned from but will never repeat
Never again

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Finding Healing and Refuge in the Catholic Church

*I want to say first of all that this post is not meant to take away or diminish those who have suffered abuse by members of the Catholic Church or any other church. *

In recent weeks here in Baltimore and around the country, the Netflix series The Keepers has been making the news in regards to the sex abuse scandal within the Catholic Church. It's a well known fact that a lot of people were abused by clergy within the church for years and that the clergy and staff in higher positions covered it up. It is shameful and should be dealt with. However, some of the media attention does not come from people who truly care about those affected. It comes from those who have so much hatred towards the Church that they do not care about reporting facts accurately. A lot of clergy have been falsely accused. And that also needs to stop immediately.

Abuse doesn't only happen in the Catholic  Church. It happens everywhere. In every faith, in every culture. It is not confined to any one place or a certain type of faith. And what alot  of people fail to realize through all of this is that the majority of sexual abuse happens within people's own homes and families. Parents, step parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. These cases rarely get the media attention that they deserve and it is happening at a more alarming rate than ever before in our society. And there's also a huge problem with family members covering the abuse up. That's not to take away from what is happening in the Catholic Church, but it's the facts. Much more abuse happens outside of the Church than inside.

What a lot of people don't realize is that there is a huge amount of Catholics who have been abused outside of the Church and who have found healing and refuge in the Church. The media never tells those stories. I know this because I am one of them and I know many others. I was molested when I was in between 7 and 9 years old. It happened periodically by the same man. And no one knew or suspected anything until it was all over. My family ignored all the red signs. Being afraid of men, going from straight A' s to failing grades, a change in mood and eating habits. But when you have an unstable family life to begin with, a lot of people don't notice the changes. Or they turn a blind eye and say it's not their business. I never dealt with the abuse until I was a teenager and even then therapy did not work because I still had an unstable home life and so much going on. It wasn't until I became an adult and found the Catholic faith that I really started to deal with the abuse I suffered. A lot of people talk about the sexual aspect of abuse. But it is so much more than that. The damage is in all areas. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I studied other faiths as a teenager and none of them gave me the peace that I felt when I found Catholicism. It opened up the door for healing from my past and everything that I went through. Am I completely healed? No. I dont think anyone ever completely heals from having been sexually abused. It's always in the back of my mind and certain things will trigger those memories. But there is a certain amount of healing that has taken place within myself and I know I would have never gotten there if it wasn't for my Catholic faith. And I know a lot of others feel the same.

The Catholic Church has always been a refuge for those who are hurting. It has always been a faith that heals. Everywhere you go in the world, the Church is there. Even in countries where it is banned, there are still those who practice the faith in secret. Why? Because we love our faith. We love our Church. Most of us wouldn't be who we are today if it wasn't for the Catholic faith.

My intent with this post is to shed a light on the real Catholic Church. The Church that heals and helps all people of all walks of life. There are so many  negative articles about our faith and we need more good ones. We need to show people that our Church can heal. Heal souls. Heal hearts. That is the core of our faith. And that will never change.

Friday, May 12, 2017

3 Years

I havent posted in my blog since November of last year. Everytime I try to write, life gets in the way or I am just too tired to stay up and write. Next month on June 11th, my daughter will be 3. It's been a long and hard 3 years. Every time things look up, something happens. And right now things are scary. Even when I get good news, I'm cautious.

The phrase "being a single mother is hard" is an absolute understatement. It's hard, exhausting, challenging, scary, lonely. But it is also rewarding, loving, awesome and fulfilling.  I made a promise to myself that this year would be our year. And even though we've had some major setbacks, I still believe it is. Things could be alot worse. I pray everyday. And one of the things that have taken a hit the most is my faith. But day by day it gets stronger and looking at my daughter I know I can't give up. I can't give up on myself and I definitely can't give up on God. Especially when He hasn't given up on us. I know things will get better. And one thing I can always count on is my daughter coming up to me and giving me random hugs out of nowhere.

She reminds me on a daily basis what real love is. One day I sat in the bathroom not long ago and cried. My daughter happened to wake up from her nap and opened the door and saw me. She said, " Mommy crying I give hug." And then she hugged me. I realized then that everything will be ok. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have my daughter. Having her and ignoring those who wanted me to abort was the best thing I ever did. And now she's almost 3 years old. She's smart, funny and very clever. Too clever. She always surprises me.

So as I sit here with her on my lap watching Jurassic Park 3 (she loves dinosaurs) I feel a love that I can't explain into words. And probably will never be able to. She is my everything and i love her with all my heart. Happy Birthday, Selena. ❤❤❤❤

Baby #2

I havent written in quite awhile. Of course,  life is busy with a 4 year old. And now,  I find myself going through the process again. I am ...