Today is Ash Wednesday. The start of Lent. I want to wish all of my brothers and sisters in the faith a wonderful and blessed Easter season. I have not started out good so far. Even though I have given up soda for Lent, that is the easy part. Today, we are supossed to abstain from eating meat. I was doing good.but I have had so much on my mind and so distracted by things that I fixed cheese manacotti for breakfast. Completely forgot that it had meat in the sauce. I didn't even notice it until I was almost done my plate. I doubt Jesus is pissed at me though. Since it was an honest mistake. This is my second year observing Lent so I am trying to get used to everything. Faith confuses me very easily. And lately, I need faith more than ever. I don't know why but certain people seem to think it is ok to insult my intellect. I will admit, I have my dumb moments. We all do. But for the most part, I consider myself at least a little smart. Even if they are being sarcastic, I still take it personally. And I have a lot of trouble dealing spiritually with it.
I have so many questions about the faith. And to be honest, I don't live the faith like we are supossed to.I have mortal sins that are unconfessed, I don't go to Mass every week like I should. A lot of it has to do with fear and anxiety. My anxiety is fine at work for the most part. But when it comes to Church, my stomach turns and I have panic attacks. I am excited about the faith, but at the same time, I am scared. Scared to be vulnerable. Scared to give up total control to God. I go back and forth with it alot. Part of me wants to go to Mass everyday. When I go, I feel at peace afterwards. But then my anxiety comes. And I start thinking that I am not good enough to be there. I get scared so easily about it now. I have doubts within myself. I am still trying to find my way. I know God put me on this path in faith. As a teenager, I practiced and experimented with all types of religions, including Wicca. I am glad God guided me on the path to the Church I was baptized in. The Catholic faith is beautiful. Lent is beautiful. Jesus dying for our sins is beautiful. I have some beautiful and dear friends in this faith who are helping me and guiding me. And who don't judge me. This Lent, I am going to try to love myself more. To convince myself that I am worthy of love. That somewhere, there is someone looking for me. Looking for what I have in my heart, mind and soul. But I know that I cannot allow someone to love me without loving myself first. And the same goes with God. God loves us all. Regardless of what we do. But sometimes it is hard for us to see it. I am that way. Anyways, I am rambling as usual. I guess what I am trying to say is Lent is a special time for us. We are reminded of Jesus's love for us. God's love for us. We all need to try better in opening ourselves up to that love. To be vulnerable with God. To trust Him with ourselves, our hearts, our lives. It is not easy. But, I think as long as we try, everything will be ok. I have to remind myself of this a lot. This Lent, I pray that all of you can find and have peace within you. For me, peace is a work in progress. Hard work. But in the end, it will be ok. I am thankful for Lent. I am thankful for faith. God bless all of you and peace be with you all.