Learning How To Forgive
For all of my short adult life so far (I'll be 26 in Aug.), the one thing that I have wanted to achieve more than anything is a constant state of peace within myself. Being in peace no matter what happens. But I have realized I can't have peace until I forgive. And I have a lot of people I need to forgive, for various things. But I keep hitting a block. A brick wall that more than ever seems like it is impossible to break down. Instead, it feels like the wall is getting stronger and bigger. And I don't know how to break it down. I know I can't do it alone. Doing it alone never works. But at the same time I am afraid. Because to forgive someone else, I first have to forgive myself. Forgive myself for all the hate I have held inside toward this person. And in return I have also hated myself. The one person I can't seem to forgive is the one person whom I hope I never see again. The one person who screwed up how my mind views men and intimacy. I spent my childhood scared of men because of him. And I am sure many more women have been hurt after me. The hardest part is to heal. To tell myself that its not my fault. And most of the time, I believe its not my fault. But then there are days when I think all of it is my fault. There is an emptiness I feel deep inside. The hurt and pain are overwhelming at times. There are two things that make me feel better: going to Mass and hearing other women overcome what happened to them. Hearing how they have stable relationships and are happy in their lives gives me hope. Forgiveness and moving on are very possible. But it takes time. A lot of time. A lot of healing. And a lot of tears and releasing anger. I really don't know why I am writing this. Mabey its to vent. Mabey so someone else can read it to know they aren't alone. Or mabey so I will know I'm not alone. Learning how to forgive someone is, in my opinion, one of the most greatest things one can achieve. I hope and pray I get there. And I hope and pray others get there too. It is a long road. But well worth it in the end. The hurt will go away and peace will reign. That I am sure of. And I am determined to get there and stay there. Come hell or high water.