Learning How To Forgive

For all of my short adult life so far (I'll be 26 in Aug.), the one thing that I have wanted to achieve more than anything is a constant state of peace within myself. Being in peace no matter what happens. But I have realized I can't have peace until I forgive. And I have a lot of people I need to forgive, for various things. But I keep hitting a block. A brick wall that more than ever seems like it is impossible to break down. Instead, it feels like the wall is getting stronger and bigger. And I don't know how to break it down. I know I can't do it alone. Doing it alone never works. But at the same time I am afraid. Because to forgive someone else, I first have to forgive myself. Forgive myself for all the hate I have held inside toward this person. And in return I have also hated myself. The one person I can't seem to forgive is the one person whom I hope I never see again. The one person who screwed up how my mind views men and intimacy. I spent my childhood scared of men because of him. And I am sure many more women have been hurt after me. The hardest part is to heal. To tell myself that its not my fault. And most of the time, I believe its not my fault. But then there are days when I think all of it is my fault. There is an emptiness I feel deep inside. The hurt and pain are overwhelming at times. There are two things that make me feel better: going to Mass and hearing other women overcome what happened to them. Hearing how they have stable relationships and are happy in their lives gives me hope. Forgiveness and moving on are very possible. But it takes time. A lot of time. A lot of healing. And a lot of tears and releasing anger. I really don't know why I am writing this. Mabey its to vent. Mabey so someone else can read it to know they aren't alone. Or mabey so I will know I'm not alone. Learning how to forgive someone is, in my opinion, one of the most greatest things one can achieve. I hope and pray I get there. And I hope and pray others get there too. It is a long road. But well worth it in the end. The hurt will go away and peace will reign. That I am sure of. And I am determined to get there and stay there. Come hell or high water.

Comments

  1. Wow… Thank you for being so brave in sharing this post Colena. From my perspective, the victim is never at fault. Yes, forgiveness and moving on are very possible. Moving on transforms the victim into a survivor and forgiving someone doesn’t take away his or her responsibility, karma, etc., for their actions. From personal experience, forgiving myself has been the hardest thing for me and yet once I did, release, peace was felt immediately. A state of constant peace… Uff… I’ll be 54 next month and achieving a sense of peace, feeling at peace, if I get a minute that’s a huge success. Meditation helps but time hasn’t helped me in that sense. I used to be more at peace say six, seven years ago but now, like I said, a minute is huge. From the looks of this post, looks like you’re being pretty honest with yourself Colena. That, being honest with oneself, has proven to be the foundation of whatever little pieces of peace I get. Keep at it!

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  2. Thank you so much, Mickey. I actually wrote this post about a month ago but saved it instead of posting it. I guess I was nervous about posting it. A minute of peace is huge for me too. Peace, it seems, everyone is trying to get. I am working on still dealing with what happened, even though it was years ago. But, everyday it gets a little better and a little clearer. I hope you have many more minutes and days of peace. It refreshes the mind and soul!

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