God and I
These past few weeks have been hard, emotionally and mentally. I don't know where to begin. I know a lot of people out there feel the way I do. Alone, empty, tired. Tired of everything. Tired of trying. I have struggled with faith for awhile now. Struggling with doubt. I look at people who say they feel God all around them, and I wonder to myself, why can't I feel that? I pray more now than I used to. While I'm walking, while I'm trying to sleep, while I'm working. No one hears of course, except for God and I.
I think its been around 3 years now that I've been studying Catholicism and jumping into the faith which I was baptized in. I don't know everything but I'm learning more each day. Its hard for me to trust. Especially talking about faith and my troubles with it. But I share it because I think there are many others who have trouble. Who have grown up without faith. Without someone to believe in. Sometimes, I am so ashamed of where I'm at in my life. And sometimes I just want to cry all the time cause I don't feel God with me. I desperately want to feel Him beside me when I'm walking. I want to feel His love. Because even though I have people who say they love me, I don't feel it a lot now.
I have an appointment this week to speak with the priest at the Church I go to. I'm nervous. First, because I've never had a meeting with a priest. I'm always nervous about talking about what I'm going through. My fear is that he will think I'm crazy for not feeling God around me. Or that he will think I'm stupid. I'm also nervous because its hard for me to step out of my comfort zone. A lot of my friends and family aren't religious to the point where I can talk with them openly about things. I know they'll respond negatively or make jokes. I am going to go and see what happens. I want to be Confirmed this coming Easter, but if I have to wait, I will. God will decide when the right time is.
I am going to talk to God all the time. Why? Cause its one of the few things that comfort me. Even though I don't feel Him around me, talking to Him brings me comfort. A friend told me yesterday, "Don't walk away from God." Truth is, I can't. Because if I do, ill find myself running right back towards Him. So from now on, it will be God and I. He is my partner in life. The only one who I can trust unconditionally. I'm going to work on things everyday. Even if its only a tiny bit. I know God is patient. I realize He is probably the only one who has the most patience ever. With all of us. He loves all of us for who we are. I am working within myself to try to feel that love. And if you are too, then you're not alone. My hope is that we all feel God's beautiful lobe for us. Because His love, can't compare with anyone elses. It is stronger and more powerful than anything. Its God and I. And God and YOU!!!!!!!!! Peace be with you all. God bless everyone.