Saturday, August 26, 2017

My Father's 100th Birthday

My Father was born on September 12, 1917. He fought in World War 2 in the Navy. He did many things after that. I learned from my mother that he was a paramedic for awhile and he eventually started his own business. His company did engraving. Mainly engraving tombstones. He retired and bought a house in Florida. His first wife died and he spent awhile single. He met my mother while she was in Florida. She decided to keep in touch with him when she came back up to Maryland. As she tells me, one day they were talking on  the phone and he said, "Come back down to Florida and marry me". And she did. Not immediately, but she did. He was 36 years older than her. He was 69 when I was born. My mom suffered at least 4 miscarriages I believe and the death of my sister who was born in 1982 just one day after she was born.

After her death and all the miscarriages, they had me. Then two years later, my brother. My father had heart problems due to his age. He died on Jan 4, 1991. I was 4. All of what I know of him is from everyone who knew him. I know I get my love of countries and cultures from him. I have dark hair which are his genes. He loved to tell jokes and stories from his time in the Navy. He also could speak a little bit of French.

I can only think about what life would have been like had he lived longer. I've only met one other person my age who had a father as old as mine. From what a family member told me awhile back, my father loved us. And he would have done anything for us. And if he was alive, his granddaughter would love him. My daughter saw some pictures of him and asked who he was. I said, "That's pop pop, mommys daddy". Of course she doesn't understand yet but one day when shes older I'll get to sit her down and tell her about him. He lives every single day in myself and my brother.

Happy 100th birthday, Dad. We miss you and love you.

Friday, August 18, 2017

Never Again

What do you do when your mind won't sleep?
When the thoughts race in your mind like butterflies in fields
When all you think about are your faults
The time you wish you could get back
The hurt in your heart stinging with unimaginable pain
The love that was lost
The love that got away
The false love that prevented both
My mind races from one extreme to another
Paralyzed with fear and overcome with grief
Over thinking what you always took for granted
I drained my heart of love for you
The love that you were supposed to cherish
Instead you ripped it apart and disregarded it
Now I'm left to pick up the pieces
Pieces of my heart that I wonder will ever mend
Pieces of my mind that now doubts love
You moved on because truth be told you already found another
It made it that much worse
The doubt, fear and anger relived over and over
But I will be fine
I always pick my pieces up
I'm good at puzzles
They always fit back together
I am stronger than the false love you have
I am worthy of all you refused to give
My pieces are perfect for the soul who can understand true beauty and love
Because what you refused to see in me, another will
My flaws do not define me
You can no longer break me down
My heart will be whole once again
My soul will be happy once more
It will take time
But I will move on
And you will be a distant memory
A memory that I learned from but will never repeat
Never
Never again

Baby #2

I havent written in quite awhile. Of course,  life is busy with a 4 year old. And now,  I find myself going through the process again. I am ...