Sunday, December 31, 2017

A New Begining

2018 is 3 hours away. While many will be spending it at parties or with their significant others, I'll be spending it like I always have: at home. It's lonely, to be honest. I really wish I had the happiness that others have. The love, the content. It's always evaded me. But this year I'm going to try to go about things differently.

I made alot of choices in 2017 that ultimately resulted in nothing but bad. I changed jobs alot. Partly because I thought it would be a better opportunity but it turned out different. And partly because of the lack of childcare I had for my daughter. I ended up closing out October with an evcition. Something I thought I would never have. I single-handedly put a roof over my mother's head for 6 years, 3 of them while also being a single parent with no help from my daughters father. In exchange for me providing housing, my mother would watch my daughter while i worked. But it soon became evident that instead of helping my daughter and teaching her while I worked, my mother would just lay down and sleep, leaving my daughter to potentially get into things that could harm her. My mother has never had the drive or determination to make her life better. She gave up a long time ago. And since I am the oldest child, I was left with the burden of taking care of her. When you have a mentally ill mother with health issues , there's only so much you can do before it gets to be too much. I made the hard decision of asking family to take us in. So here we are.

In 2018 I know I'm going to have to make some tough decisions. And one will be ultimately either leaving my mother with family or putting her in a nursing home. I can't take care of someone who makes my situation even harder and who literally calls me a bad mother for the position I'm in. I will have to get my daughter into a daycare and find a job closer to baltimore. I will have to learn how to drive and get my liscense. I don't know how I'm going to do it all on my own but I have to.

This will be the year my daughter and I will have our very own place. No more staying with people or renting rooms. I know it's possible because I know someone who had twins who was in my same position until they were almost 7. It's hard. But it can be done. And this is our year. This is the year where I put all of my plans and goals into action. 2017 was a year of lessons and learning. And now 2018 will be a product of what I learned. And who knows? Mabey I'll find love. True love in the process. I just gotta keep going. Keep pushing. My child depends on me. And I can't let her down. I didn't get this far for nothing.

I know alot of people who have had a horrible year. I pray for them and seriously hope 2018 is more kind and forgiving to everyone. Happy New Year.

Baby #2

I havent written in quite awhile. Of course,  life is busy with a 4 year old. And now,  I find myself going through the process again. I am ...